


Leopard With Tears Of Gold

by MoonWich



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Animal Metaphors, Bittersweet Ending, Blood and Injury, Force-Feeding, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:33:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27604943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonWich/pseuds/MoonWich
Summary: The leopard. Another mighty mirror for Higgs himself. He stood, facing the leopard in front of him, staring face to face. “We are not so different you and I.” He said to the animal. Both predators. Both on the top. The ultimate power was at the tips of his fingers. But the power was yanked away right before him by some inferior being. A grey mouse he used to toy with. The tears of gold rolling down his face as he faced the ultimate defeat. The golden tears on leopard, turning into filthy blood, smearing its face. He is no God any longer. Not a predator. Not a leopard. Not even a cobra. Twitching worm crawling out of the shattered golden shell.After the final fight Higgs managed to escape the Beach. The man remains a threat to the better future for America. Sam's last mission is to find him and bring him in.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Leopard With Tears Of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> This work is loose sequel to my work 'Cobra Made Of Pure Gold'
> 
> I wanted to work with different dynamics between them. How would Higgs change after losing his powers? What would that do to his mental state? How would his relationship with Sam change? I also wanted Sam's character to grow, since he isn't Higgs' toy any longer. He also discoveres something new about his feelings towards the man and has to deal with it.

With the final fight it was all over. The humankind gained some time before its end, being more united, connected together. Higgs managed to escape the Beach and no one saw him ever since then. Slithering from the scene into the darkness, avoiding the inevitable encounter with Fragile.

Sam had a status of great inspiration and a hero to the whole nation. He was a savior in the eyes of many. Saving them and the world from destruction that Higgs planned to unleash.  
Although not many were able to see that the encounter and final outcome made Sam only shy away from the world more. In their eyes he was simply a hero. Heroes don’t have traumas, they don’t lock themselves away from the cheering crowd. Heroes are victorious, smiling into the horizon, having inspiring speeches to the crowds, rolling in fame and success.  
Sam was spending more and more time alone. He would occasionally sneak out on a long night walk as well. 

Deadman was worried about his mental state and with a glass of expensive wine he often tried to make him talk. Nothing makes man more talktive like a glass of good alcohol and decent company, which he assumed he provides after such a long time him and Sam knowing each other.  
But only short simple answers were all he got. Sam would drink but it only made him more silent in result. A mute pain in his eyes, drowning in the alcohol.  
Deadman soon gave up on that strategy. He wanted to give the man some final peace at last, he really wanted to. But there was a last thing to solve. And only Sam could do that.  
Higgs escaped the Beach, though no one really knew how. Vanishing without a trace. Even though the threat of an extinction was averted, the man was still somewhere, making potential plots againts the humanity ones again. To maintain peace for a little longer it was necessary to find the man.  
Deadman didn’t want to put yet more weight on Sam’s shoulders as he saw the man isn’t in the best state mentally. But those were the orders from Die-Hardman. Sam was chosen to fulfill them. And Deadman was about to deliver the news to him.

“Sam..”

The man was drinking one of the energy drinks, sitting on the bed. As he heard his name he turned his attention to him.  
Deadman approached him. He should make it as fast as possible. No need to walk around hot porridge for too long. Rubbing his hands nervously he sat next to Sam.

“There’s something else to do. I got the orders from Die-Hardman directly. If it was for me, I wouldn’t burden you again but it has to be done. Sam. You need to find Higgs. We finally got some info where he might be hiding and you’re the one Die-Hardman wants to check the area. He said something about how you’re more likely to find Higgs than the others since the man is so keen on you. Trust me, it’s not my decision and I was loudly advocazing againts it. But it’s already decided. If there’s something you need for the journey, you can talk to me. I will try to get it for you.”  
With a light pat on the shoulder he waited for a moment if there’s a reaction.

Sam was holding the energy drink the whole time, staring in front of him. Not a single change in his face. In his body language. “It’s alright.” Was all he got after the short silence. “Great, well, you should dispatch as soon as possible. Tomorrow would be ideal.” He nervously got up, treading on the spot. Sam gave him only hardly noticeable nod and took a sip from the can. “Alright... I will be going. Remember if you need something.. anything. Call me.”  
With these words he left the room.

Sam took a sip once more. So they found where Higgs might be hiding. The man will truly never stop haunting his life like a demon. Forever hovering over him.  
Their fight and then the truth about Amelie. He was being lied to this whole time. His childhood trauma. His illness. The loss of person he loved and their child. Higgs raping him. Amelie making a fool out of him. Did really anything matter now? After all of this? And now there is another task, involving the man.  
Even after being so severaly traumatized there was a part in him that actually enjoyed his presence. A part that still craved him. He would lie if he didn’t think of Higgs when he needed to jerk off. Such action is helpful coping mechanism for some rape victims. Masturbating, imagining the act. It helps the brain to relearn to view sex as safe activity since the person has control over the situation - the scene is in their head, they’re safe. Sam would know this if he actually talked about it with someone. The man raped him, tortured him. Made his life even of more a hell. And here he is dreaming of him. Actually wanting to meet him again.  
A shook of the head. Maybe his mind can’t heal properly. Maybe the damage is too great beyond healing. Maybe he will end like Higgs, who knows. Not like he cared about that too much now.  
He threw the empty can in the trash. Time to prepare his stuff for the departure.

The location was in rural area of Central Region. A difficult terrain. He remembered the last conversation he had with Deadman just before he left.  
“Sam, it’s important that Higgs doesn’t dissapear now. Get close enough to him and inject him with this.” Some sort of needle with strange liquid inside. Alright, that can’t be hard. Higgs will be all over him as usual. That could be taken to advantage. “One last thing.” Deadman grabbed his shoulder.  
“With all the things the bastard did.. I’m pretty sure you want some real revenge. It wasn’t the main objective but I think you, out of all people, should have that choice. This one contains poison. Look, I don’t know in what condition you will find him. Maybe he will be that weak that you could simply kick him in the face and that will be it. But if things get bad. It will be better if you have this. The decision is yours though.”  
Two needles in his inside pockets. Two outcomes of this situation. He didn’t expect the poison. What a intruding thought. A freedom at last from the terrorist. But would his death really mean Sam’s freedom? The man can haunt him even in his death. Coming to Sam in his dreams, in his breakdowns. That wouldn’t really solve anything in the end. He was leaning more to the option of simply paralyzing the man, capturing him and delivering to Die-Hardman.

A huge building that seemed to be a hotel from the older times. It was already more of a ruin than building but it still could provide a shelter.  
Just by looking at it he could tell this was a hotel for the upper class.  
Opening the front door he was welcomed with huge and very messy vestibul. Dust rolling in the air, rotten wooden columns colapsed on the stairway. Many empty pizza boxes on the ground. Yes, this was definitely Higgs’ den.  
Carefully he closed the door. Now it’s time to play the cat and mouse. Oh, how the tables have turned after all this time.  
Lightly stepping on the ground, he seeked for signs of footprints that could lead him to Higgs. The wooden parquets were covered in dust that was disturbed in large area of the floor so the footprints weren’t noticeable at this point. Higgs must have paced around for quite some time to disturb the dust that much.  
He didn’t really expect Higgs to hang around the ground floor but he did check the rooms just to be sure. Toilets, dining room, staff room. 

No signs of the man. 

Time to head to first floor. Hope the stairs don’t creak too much. No way he wants to attract any attention.  
He picked the left stairway. Before stepping on next step he carefully shifted his weight to minimalize the potentional creak. Some of the stairs did in fact creak but due to his cautionous behavior it was only a very low noise.  
Finally he was there. He looked around. As left wing was closer, he went for that one first. Before opening each host room, he peaked through the key hole to see if there are any movements inside the room. Most were locked but those that were open were empty, showing no signs of being occopied recently. Well. That’s a bit of dissapointment. But Higgs obviously can’t occupy every single room in this hotel.  
Right wing it is now.  
Remembering to step carefully, standing above the vestibul again. He had a feeling like the front door will open in any minute and Higgs will be standing there - catching Sam without the advantage of surprise.

He was all alone.

Right wing was a bit messy, there was some trash on the way. One of the rooms had door half-opened. Sam got his needle ready and he crawled next to it - listening. A complete silence. Did Higgs sleep maybe? He peaked into the room. It was obvious that Higgs occupied this room the most since there were many papers all over it and empty food boxes. The bed was ruffled and mostly dust-free as well.  
He entered the room.  
Wild scribbles on the papers. Some maps, opened meds, more food. But the room was empty and he had yet to enter the last one. Right at the end of the wing there was some kind of trophy room mixed with salon. Big stuffed chairs. sofa and mahogan table. Stuffed animals, expensive decorative porcelan. All covered in layers of dust. The centre of the room was robust upholstered chair with black leather, armrests decorated with massive leopard heads that seemed to be golden. This one looked like being used. Maybe Higgs sits in it thinking about his new plans. Piece of pizza in one hand, glass of wine in the other. Sam could totally see the picture. But this room was empty as well. So Higgs must be somewhere outside and he’s yet to return. That gives Sam really great advantage.  
So. Where should he hide?  
He knows Higgs frequently visits his room and this one. The best he could do is hide in the left wing that is unused. There is big wardrobe right behind the corner from the left stairway. He could stand behind. Going to vestibul is too risky as going up the stairway is slow.  
The wardrobe is the best choice.  
As he didn’t know Higgs’ routine he had to stay near the wardrobe, peaking to the door at the vestibul all day. Which was annoying but there was no other way. He really shouldn’t complain as this is really the best scenario he could have hoped in. Catching the terrorist unprepared? He could only wish his encounters with Higgs before were like this.  
It seemed endless. The light was decreasing, soon this place will be completely dark.  
A loud creak of the vestibul door. Sam felt his heart beating fast, adrenalin rising. He’s here.

It really was Higgs.  
The man still looked the same as Sam remembered him. Except he looked much thinner, his way of walking was less confident as he remembered it. The man was exhausted. Shutting the door he carried two boxes of pizza, putting them on the reception table in the vestibul.  
That was quite a depressing sight. Higgs leaned on the table, standing like that, not doing anything further. Just loud breathing. Sam tried to get better view but he didn’t want to fully expose himself.  
Higgs tugged on his hair, pacing around the vestibul. His breathing was getting shorter, faster, louder. Finally he kicked one of the broken chairs on the ground. Sam noticed his hand was bloody, altough it seemed like several days old injury. Why didn’t Higgs treat it? The wound looked serious.  
Squeezing the fist of the injured hand he headed to the right stairway.  
Sam quickly hid behind the wardrobe, hardly breathing, trying to not make any noise.  
Listening to the footstep dissapearing in the end of the right wing. Higgs probably went to the salon as he heard the chair creaking. A cling of the glass. Some other noises. 

What a life. Getting ‘home’ and heading straight for the alcohol. The last few months weren’t treating Higgs well if he lives like this.

More noises. A voice.  
Sam was too far away from the room to hear him clearly. He saw that Higgs entered the hotel alone. Who was he talking to? To himself?  
He peaked behind the wardrobe.  
The door to the salon was open. Higgs was pacing around with a glass of wine in his healthy hand, gesticulating with the other - very obviously having a rant. Probably misses company as he loved his rants in front of people - especially Sam. And well. The stuffed animals are the only company he’s getting now. Sam knew what his mission was but he started feeling kind of bad for the man somewhere in his mind.  
He didn’t want any of this to happen to Higgs. His fucked up childhood. The saddistic nature he developed. The God complex. He pitied the man.  
As the voice was getting louder as time passed he assumed Higgs is drunk enough.

Time to do what he came here for.

Although he was getting more curious and also uncertain of what he was going to do. What did happen to Higgs? He actually doesn’t want to prick a needle into him and drag him back to the city. The questions. This wasn’t what he expected. What did he even expect? The man rubbing his hands, evil laughing, plotting yet another attack? Whatever it was, it wasn’t this.  
With his heart racing he left his hiding place behind the wardrobe, needle in his hand, slowly approaching the room. As he was getting closer he could hear the voice clearer.  
“... like a damn idiot. But where is he? There must be a way...”  
Sam stopped. Who is he talking about?  
Another pacing. Sam regreted his hesitation as there was posibility Higgs could see him clearly if he stood in certain angle facing the door.  
He must act quickly now.  
Higgs was standing in front of the stuffed jackdaw, sipping on the wine, staring at the lifeless bird body. His back turned to Sam. 

_Jackdaw, a bird that seeks shiny objects. That seeks gold. Jackdaw, enamored, by the fool’s gold shell, found Higgs. Willing to be a gentle silent listener, to share a love for gold with someone. Over the glass of wine on lonely nights. And she listened oh so well like no one else._

Sam already entered the room, step by step getting closer to the terrorist.  
“I will find you. I must. It’s-”  
Sam was paying attention to details this whole time. He was being cautious with each step he took. But he made a mistake now. Higgs lightened a small lamp on the table as he entered the room and the light was fadely illuminating most of the room. Sam’s shadow was cast on the stuffed animals right next to the jackdaw. 

Higgs saw the shadow and turned to face Sam, dropping the glass in the moment of surprise. 

Sam was caught off by the loud sound of shattered glass and also by the fact that Higgs noticed him. He freezed instantly.  
Pale eyes wide open staring at him in shock. Mouth slightly opened.  
Higgs frowned, cautious steps, approaching Sam studying his face. 

“Sam?” 

Whisper, more of a mumble to himself. He reached his hands to Sam, intending to grab his face.  
Sam panicked, made several steps back. Suddenly Higgs leaped forward to grab his face. Sam shot his hand to grab Higgs injured hand and squeezed it. He was so caught off he forgot he has the needle in his other hand. Higgs seemed desperate, studying Sam’s face like he didn’t see him in years, not even registering the sight of the needle.  
As the pain shot through his hand he hissed, pained expression on his face but it didn’t stop him. He was holding Sam’s face, fingers brushing, feeling the man’s cheeks, his face so close.  
Pale blue eyes searching. Sam only stared back at him. He never saw Higgs like this. The usual confidence gone, the man never acted like a scared animal.

“Are you real?”  
Without waiting for an answer he licked Sam across his left cheek. Slowly.  
Sam made a grimasse. Yeah that was expected. He smelled the wine from Higgs’ breath.  
As Higgs touched his face again, Sam turned his head away from him, stepping back, but he was caught in a tight hug shortly.

“It’s you! Fuck, for a second I thought this is another dream.” He rambled.  
Sam felt like his brain freezed. The hug. The man being so happy about his presence. The state he was in. Suddenly he experienced a desire to touch him. He returned the hug but as the needle brushed againts Higgs he realised he is still holding it. Before he could decide whether to use it, Higgs broke the hug, stepping away from Sam, looking what’s in his hand.

“Oh? A needle? You came to kill me? Aw, Sammy.” A light-hearted laugh. Higgs held his face again, leaning closer, giving him a kiss. As he broke the kiss he whispered. “Just do it. It’s the order, no? Be a good boy and do as the big boys above you command.”

A reconciled smile, wounded hand gently caressing his cheek, leaving bloody marks behind. “It’s not supposed to...kill you.” Sam blurted out. He didn’t even know why he is telling him that.  
“Well it certainly isn’t going to do any good to me, right Sammy?” He reached with his healthy hand for the needle trying to navigate Sam’s hand towards his own body.  
Sam struggled, dropping the needle on the ground, catching Higgs wrists on both hands.  
Higgs yelped as the short pain shot through his hand. Only now did Sam see there was a cloudy drainage coming out of it, a sign of infection.

“Your hand is infected.”  
“Noo?”  
A Sarcastic voice. 

“Why didn’t you clean the wound? The infection is already there, you will die if your body develops sepsis.”  
Higgs smiled widely at him. “Sammy. Don’t say you’re worried about the good ol’ me? That’s so sweet. You appear here, at my house, with a needle in your hand, trying to assasinate me, worrying about my well-being. How did I deserve such affection?”

Again, the man was clinging to him. Higgs was always very touchy person but the months of spending the time alone left a big mark on him.  
Sam wrestled him to the black chair making him sit in it. The needy hands were grabbing him again, seeking him.  
Sam stood next to the chair, letting Higgs touch him, watching the man.  
He was surprised to find Higgs in such a state. It could be also because he was drunk but Sam felt something shifted in him. The man who declared himself to be a God before. Now only a shell of what he used to be. He was convinced Sam came to kill him and he didn’t hesitate to draw the needle to himself, ready to die.  
As there was silence between them, Higgs decided to talk.

“Look. There’s nothing else for me to do. Homo Demens is gone. You got your big prize, big victory. You’re a hero who saved the world. And I’m the rotting rat hiding in garbage. So let me rot. The hand is nothing. Doesn’t matter if you kill me with your needle or if the infection kills me. It’s not like I can do anything now.”  
A hand touching Sam’s arm. 

“I guess even Gods can fall down to the ground. And become nothing but a dust.”  
Grip on the leopard’s head, leaving blooded mark down it’s face. Bloody tears. 

_The leopard. Another mighty mirror for Higgs himself. He stood, facing the leopard in front of him, staring face to face. “We are not so different you and I.” He said to the animal. Both predators. Both on the top. The ultimate power was at the tips of his fingers. But the power was yanked away right before him by some inferior being. A grey mouse he used to toy with. The tears of gold rolling down his face as he faced the ultimate defeat. The golden tears on leopard, turning into filthy blood, smearing its face. He is no God any longer. Not a predator. Not a leopard. Not even a cobra. Twitching worm crawling out of the shattered golden shell._

Sam truly pitied him. In the end this was a person who was damaged mentally so badly. Never having opportunity to heal, to learn to do better.  
“But it seems like you don’t really plan to kill me, how kind of you. What do you intend to do with me, Sammy, if I may ask?”  
Higgs leaned back in the chair, crossing his fingers, flipping his leg over the other looking at him with curiousity.

“Im taking you to Capital Knot City.”

The quick change into panicking animal, running headlessly.  
“No way you’re getting me there! The fuck, Sam! No, no, we are staying here, look, I got the food. And I’m not letting you go anywhere. You will stay with me.” He jumped out of the chair, pacing, gesturing wildly, clearly terrified. Sam only now realised his stupid mistake. 

“This is a rotting building, there’s no clean running water, everything is covered in dust.”  
“Just like your average apartment in Mountain Knot City what’s your point.”

Sam sighed, not really arguing with him on this. This man. 

There’s no way they can stay here though. His sight landing on Higgs’ injured hand, bleeding lightly. Something must be done about the infection. He had some antibiotics on him just in case something happened on the way but he needs to figure out how to make Higgs take them. Higgs is too suspicious now, he wouldn’t trust the pills to be antibiotics.  
“Higgs.”

A gentle smile. Slowly he approached the man who watched him curiously. Sam reached to grab him and pulled him closer. Hugging him for a moment. Higgs immediately wrapped himself around Sam giving him one of the tightest hugs in his life.  
“Cuddly aren’t we, Sammy.”  
Higgs murmured, nuzzling him.  
Sam broke the hug only to grab Higgs’ chin and kiss him. As he expected, Higgs returned the kiss with the hunger and passion that was only typical for him. That thing didn’t change at all. It gave Sam shivers as only now it fully sat with him how this man truly craved him. No matter his twisted intentions it was there. A pure passion. What Sam offered, Higgs would take with ferocity and fed on it. And that was scary and big turn on for him at the same time. Sam reached with his free hand in a pocket, working quickly to find the tube with pills. Good thing that Higgs was so into the kiss he didn’t pay attention at all.  
He got one pill between his fingers.  
Breaking the kiss just as he was exploring Higgs’ mouth, holding his chin firmly, he pushed the pill inside his mouth, shutting it with his hand.  
Higgs started struggling but Sam already had other hand on his throat, massaging it to make him swallow the pill.  
As the man was struggling he actually swallowed the pill and started coughing hard.  
“Whh-at..th..e.. fuck, Sam.”  
He managed to say between the coughs.  
After he finally stopped coughing he looked back at him.

“You sneaky bastard! Drugging me like that! You don’t want to have fun with me being conscious? That insults me greatly, Sammy.”  
A dramatic asshole.  
“Sorry Higgs, but I needed you to take antibiotics somehow. I need you alive.”  
Not a word about having a choice bringing the man alive or dead.  
Higgs opened his mouth in a surprise and insult. “Oh? And you simply couldn’t just.. tell me? Hey Higgs I got antibiotics on me! Want some? Sure Sam thank you I will have some! Was it that hard?”

“I simply didn’t think you would be that cooperative.”

Higgs jerked away from him, slowly pacing around the room.  
“Millions of years of evolution just so we could handle conflicts and problems with verbal communication.” Turning back to Sam while still pacing. “And still we haven’t learn.”  
“You know how it sounds coming from someone like you, right.”  
Higgs laughed shortly.

“Oh in the core we are all simply animals.”  
He raised his hands in dramatic gesture, drawing attention to the stuffed animals in the room.  
“You can’t really fight the nature and win. Even with all that self-domestication bullshit. We forced our brains to develop more, making them prone to the biggest range of mental illnesses in animal kingdom. Everything in our behavior is the imprint of our ancestors domesticating themselves. You turning away from that loud bitch on a street? Conflict avoidment. Humans are actually one of the most peaceful species in animal kingdom, doing everything to avoid direct physical violence and eventual death. Some of us aren’t as affected as the others though. And all of this bullshit going on in humankind just because we decided we want to communicate verbaly oh so badly. And yet!”

He gesticulated at Sam.

Well, that really didn’t take long till the big dramatic Higgs’ lecture. “I will remember that, Higgs.”

“Admit it. You actually enjoyed forcing me to swallow the pill, didn’t you.”

He shut his eyes, slowly breathing out of annoyment. At least this is solved.  
The pill was that kind of antibiotics that can be taken with alcohol without increasing the side effects which was convenient since Higgs drank that much. Sam fished disinfection spray out of his vest putting it on the table. There should be piece of bandage somewhere too. 

“Come here.”  
An order. Order that Higgs actually obeyed. Simpering, his healthy hand on Sam’s shoulder, leaning to him.  
“Can’t believe you went all the way here just to forcefeed me a pill and now you’re gonna treat my hand too. If I knew this I would get some whiskey for us, Sammy boy.”  
“You would only waste a good whiskey, as I'm not a drinker.” A short answer as Sam sprayed the disinfection on the wound, trying to get better view as Higgs being wrapped around him made it difficult for him to treat the man.  
“Not really. More whiskey for me!” Higgs hissed loudly as the disinfection stinked in the wound. For such a sadistic bastard he really couldn’t handle this very well.

“Can you stay still? What did even happen?” Sam held the hand firmly as he applied more disinfection.  
“Got caught on barbed wires. Didn’t have meds or clean water to treat it. That’s all.” Sam didn’t ask how did he get caught on that. Probably went to steal some food and had to go through someone’s property. Finished, he put the rest of the unused bandage on the table. 

“Sammy…”

Higgs put his arms around Sam’s neck, giving him another lick on the cheek. “I knew this is not the end, that we would meet again.”  
Sam hugged him in return, his hands brushing his back. it was nice feeling a warm body againts his. He too was lonely for too long although he wasn’t as touchy as Higgs. The picture of this evening wasn’t what he expected though.

The man completely strapped of all his masks. The golden scales on the snake bursting, levitating in the air, revealing the hidden underneath. But he wasn’t here to poke the bared skin and snicker. He wasn’t that kind of man anyway.  
“So what is it gonna be? Are we gonna have some fun? I swear I saw ropes in one of those rooms-”  
“Not gonna happen, Higgs.”

Sam pushed the man in the chair once again. Higgs made expression closely similar to poutting. Sam was staring at him. He wanted to feel hatred. In fact he _did_ hate him, right? Anyone would hate such a terrible human being. He came here, expecting to be bursting in the flames, in the name of revenge for everything this asshole did to him. And yet he’s standing there right now. Searching for these feelings, emotions. Looking at him making these silly faces. And he simply didn’t feel it. 

The dynamics of their relationship changed. Sam was no mouse any longer. Higgs wasn’t the confident golden God walking around, taking and doing whatever he wants, shining bright, releasing more chaos into the world. He has fallen so low. Sam knew that, he saw that. The broken man in front of him, his abuser. If Sam was different kind of a person he would definitely enjoy it. Probably have some kicks. Just to feel the satisfaction. But he was never this person. For him it all ended, though the trauma remained. Remembering that night when Higgs raped him. Cutting half of his ear. How he stabbed the knife into his back. His back never healed properly and each wound left noticable scar, reminding him of the act everyday as he woke up, seeing himself in reflective surfaces of his room. It got so far he started sleeping with a top on. Unable to bear sight of the reminder everyday.  
One time Higgs called Fragile ‘damaged goods’. Sam was pretty sure he is damaged goods in his eyes as well. He felt no urge to hurt Higgs or to bring him down any further.  
He didn't want to admit that he did crave Higgs. And the man, very obviously, wanted him as well.

As he was lost in his thoughts, inner pocket of his vest vibrated, startling him.  
Higgs would definitely raise his eyebrows now - if he had any.  
Shit. It’s gotta be Deadman. Checking the situation as he was supposed to give report at night.  
They both stared at each other for a moment.  
Finally Higgs broke the silence with a chuckle. “I think you should answer it, Sammy. Go on and tell them you caught the terrorist.”  
Sam cursed in his mind as he dived his hand into the pocket to get the transmitter out. As he answered it, Higgs started snickering.  
“Hey, it’s Sam.”

With these words he pushed his free hand on Higgs mouth to make him shut up, catching the man surprised.  
A subdued, cracking voice from the transmitter.  
“Hey, Sam. You haven’t reported yet, is everything going well? Did you have any trouble on the way? Any sights of Higgs?”  
The mentioned man was staring at Sam, his fingers brushing againts the hand firmly pressed on his mouth. Sam realised Higgs is licking his hand. Oh for fuck’s sake. Nothing really should be any near to this man’s mouth.

“Ehh.. no everything is going fine. I just forgot about the report, sorry. Yeah, I found him. He’s there with me.” He frowned at the man intensively licking the inside of his hand, not breaking eye contact for any second.  
“Glad to hear the good news, Sam! I knew you would find him. Okay, I will send some truck for you, the men will meet you on the way. Where are you now exactly?”  
As Sam was preparing to answer, suddenly Higgs got up and smacked the transmitter out of his hand, making it hit one of the fancy wardrobes with porcelan on it, shattering some pieces instantly.  
The transmitter made short electrostatic noise and went completely mute. 

“What the fuck, Higgs.” Sam wasn’t impulsive, nor he was a choleric. He could only glare at the man with silent anger burning inside him. 

“Oh, did you really think I would go there? Giving Fragile chance to get her revenge? No, thank you. And you’re not going anywhere either, Sammy.”  
Even in this situation such statement made Sam laugh. Higgs was only a shadow of the man he used to be. His powers were gone. The man was malnourished, had spreading infection in his body and his mental state was as worse as ever. No way he could stand a chance againts Sam, actually keeping him here.  
“You know sooner or later they will send searching party after me, right? Thanks to your brave act of destroying the transmitter, the party may be send even tonight.”  
“Oh, I will happily watch as they stumble upon the rocky path. It’s not like you have neon lights setup on the way with big letters ‘Higgs lives here’. Which obviously gives us plenty of time.”  
With a sneaky smile he approached the smaller man, devils dancing in his eyes. Sam may did not feel hatred towards Higgs. But he couldn’t shake off the things that were done to him. And as much as he wanted, as much he dreamed of the man, he couldn’t really enjoy the thought of actually having sex with him in the same way. Higgs was already wrapping himself around him and kissing him, pushing on the sofa. A feeling of distress shot through his body and he started trembling, pushing the taller man away.  
He felt like running away, locking himself in a room, hiding. But he gained control of his mind, breathing heavily. _Relax, this is under your control._  
Higgs seemed to be caught off guard. Not having enough self-awareness to realise Sam is reacting to the trauma Higgs himself caused him. 

“Ah come on, Sam. I know how much you crave this. Doesn’t matter how much you keep fighting it, it’s there, inside.”

Sam felt Higgs’ impatience. The man was horny which was not surprising after 3 months of isolation. He was basically throwing himself at Sam since the first moment tonight. But Sam’s trauma needs to be taken into consideration which he wasn’t sure Higgs could do as he was the one who caused it. He was a man who cared little for traumas or well-being of the other people so Sam could hardly get some understanding from him. There’s no way the explanation would be fruitful.  
As Higgs was approaching him again something snapped in Sam. He must actually take control of the situation. Before it goes too far. He will be no one’s toy again.  
He caught the man’s wrists, giving slightly bigger pressure on his injured hand with his thumb.  
Higgs jerked away hissing in pain. “That fucking hurts, you asshole.”

“Then stop it.”

Sam was surprised how calm, yet emphatic his voice was. He wasn’t used to talk like that.  
Higgs blinked. Silence.

“Now now, Sammy! Saving me in one moment, hurting me in the next. Is it because you can’t decide if you want to be nice to me or make me suffer?”

“I simply want you to stop.”

“Stop what? Millions of years of evolution, remember?”

Why does he still bother.  
Higgs stared at him for a moment. What the hell is going on. He felt the shivering of Sam’s body when they kissed, the warm hug Sam gave him. They both were seeking each other, starving for it. So what is this about? Is Sammy being shy suddenly or what. Or does he want to take the prize tonight? So be it. After all why not? He won. This is all Sam’s victory.

“Alright, I see.”  
A confusion. Sam released pressure on his wrists.  
Higgs slowly wrapped his hands around Sam’s neck leaning in, shortly rubbing his nose againts his, as he leaned for a kiss. Not a demandive hungry kiss he would usually go for. It was slow, needy, pleading yet still giving space to Sam.  
Sam took his face in both of his hands, deepened the kiss, taking the lead, making Higgs stagger a bit in result. Yes, this pace was to his liking. Him being in complete control, not having to fight with Higgs. Getting what he wanted, actually deciding what he wants to do next. The satisfaction combined with the arousal being fueled by the fact that Higgs was a good kisser too. A soft moan. The taller man seemed to be enjoying this different dynamics between them as well. 

Higgs dragged their bodies closer. He didn’t care as much if he’s the one who’s gonna get fucked. He simply wanted sex. Needed it. In any form. Rubbing his pelvis againts Sam like horny animal. Come on!

Sam, enjoying his newly accessed control, broke the kiss, sucking on Higgs’ neck, holding him by the hair in place. The moans both pained and pleasured were giving him new confidence. Higgs gave no resistence, leaving himself to be completely at Sam’s will. It was different and new for both of them.  
Only as Sam let go of his hair, he gave him long lick on the neck, going up to his chin where he placed a kiss.  
It was like electric shock going through Sam’s body. He never liked Higgs’ licking but this actually felt so good he shivered.  
Grabbing the waist of the taller man he started directing him to the sofa. Higgs cooperated too happily as he already started undressing himself.  
Sam let him to do so as he undressed himself, which took a bit more time since he was wearing more pieces of clothing.

Finally.  
Throwing the top away he approached Higgs. The taller man smiling,sitting on the sofa, hands grabbing his body, touching.  
Sam was looking down at him. Higgs seemed to look like he is in one of his playful moods only without the unpleasant sadistic side-effects now. Sam put his hand in his hair, brushing it, as he leaned down to kiss him. He was already hard as he took off his clothes and there was no way he is waiting any longer. Not when Higgs is this willing.

Breaking the kiss he forced Higgs’ head to his dick, holding fistful of the hair firmly. It was obvious Higgs never sucked anyone before as he stopped for a moment, clearly unsure. He would rather take the dick in his ass but so be it. It’s not like he is the one who decides what happens next.  
Taking in the whole length he started sucking. Hoping he’s doing it properly. Sam’s moans were the answer for his dubiety.  
It was the first time he got sucked by a man, but god, did it feel great. Sam couldn’t help but to close his eyes, breathing getting faster. He started thrusting into Higgs’ mouth, still holding his hair firmly. Yeah he actually likes this a lot. Having the man at his mercy was also a new feeling for him, definitely not an unpleasant one. He could see what Higgs liked in this control game now.  
Higgs was staring at him while his mouth was used only for Sam’s pleasure. Oh, how it was strange to be reduced to a single fuckhole. But he was so turned on by Sam’s animalistic thrusts, the hand in his hair, gripping it, assuming dominance over him, the noises Sam made. It really did the thing for him. His own hand on his dick, slowly pumping it, eyes still glued to Sam’s face, intensively watching him.

As Sam was about to come, he pushed his dick deep into Higgs’ mouth, staying still, holding his head. Higgs wanted to move as the cum in his mouth felt terrible. Just the texture, the taste. Holy shit, do people really swallow this voluntarily?  
Yet he had no choice than to wait till Sam was finished, pulling his dick out of his mouth.  
Oh finally.  
He spit the cum on the ground. Now a glass of wine would be great so he could get that taste out of his mouth.  
Sam gave him disgusted look.

“Oh come on! Did you really expect me to swallow it? It’s already messy here, it’s not like I’m making it worse.”  
He received no answer. Sam didn’t really want to start a discussion on this subject. He got on the sofa on his knees, settling between Higgs’ leggs, grabbing his face for a kiss. Hands were being wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, body on body as the kiss was returned. It felt so warm, it felt good. Only for a second, thought in his mind appeared _this is how it’s actually supposed to feel_. He was glad that Higgs isn’t doing anything else with his hands on his waist, simply holding, touching. It wouldn’t feel as good if the man decided to go for something ‘more serious’ without his ‘approval’.  
His hand on Higgs’ chest. Feeling, touching. Sliding to his neck and right back.  
Higgs liked what was happening but he needed more. At the same time he knew he can’t actually take control as he figured out Sam wants to be taking the lead.  
He spread his legs more, slowly leaning back to give Sam a hint for what he wants.  
Sam was seeing what Higgs tried to achieve. But he couldn’t do it for a simple reason.

“Can’t do that without a lube.”

Higgs rolled his eyes. Dramatic loud sigh.  
“I swear I don’t need a lube. It will be alright. You know you want to do that.”  
But Sam hesitated. Yeah, anal without lube was definitely possible. But it would hurt Higgs even more. And he wasn’t a sadist getting satisfaction in this man’s suffering.

“Sam.”  
Demanding voice.  
Touch on his arms.  
Higgs was scared the man will turn away from him, breaking the moment, leaving them both dissatisfied. That’s something neither of them wants to happen. Sam really gotta stop being so stubborn and soft, it’s not like Higgs can’t handle it, he is used to pain since his early childhood so it’s not like it would be anything new for him. Just another form of pain. Just another part in his life. He was throwing a fit with his injured hand because he needs to be in certain mood to actually withstand it. Pain during bed activities? Welcomed, perfect choice. Pain when he just wants to have playful conversation with Sam who instead attacks him with disinfection? Terrible, he can’t handle it.

“It really doesn’t matter if it hurts, just fuck me already.”  
Sam was still hesitating. Higgs decided to distract him with kisses.  
Kisses on his neck, continuing on his jaw. On his mouth. So urgued.  
The distraction worked as he kissed the man back, lowering himself to him. Higgs slowly managed to turn on his stomach, still kissing Sam back, spreading his legs apart.  
Sam guided his dick to the hole. Stopping the tip right at it. Higgs pushed himself back, trying to force the tip inside. Sam did slowly enter him, shallow thrusts as he wanted Higgs to get used to it. Maybe it was to his advantage his dick was still wet from Higgs’ saliva and his own cum so it was bit easier.

Higgs hissed in pain, but he didn’t want Sam to suddenly stop or worse - ask if he’s okay, so he tried to move back to push the dick deeper inside.  
Sam held his hips, slowly thrusting, getting deeper with each thrust. As he was almost fully in, Higgs held on the pillows that were placed on sofa, biting his bottom lip, holding back a pained moan.  
No way he wants Sam to stop. It hurt like motherfucker, his ass was burning with pain. Good thing he was, although involuntarily, trained so well to handle pain from young age. But he needed this to happen. The raw, animalistic instincts taking over. That’s what he loved about sex the most. No matter who, even the most well-mannered diplomat knowing his ways in the public, playing well the games in his field, always presenting himself only in the best image, turned into rutting animal that wanted only one thing when it came to sex. The most basic, primitive core of humanity bared.  
At the same time, Sam being in the dominant position was some kind of confirmation of his fall. Of his humiliation. The only man who was allowed to humiliate him like this was only the one who dragged him this low - Sam himself. Higgs felt like he deserves all of this. He fell from his godhood only thanks to doings of this man. It was only fair if this is happening to him. He craved Sam at the same time, though he would prefer to be the one being in the dominant position. As the thrusts were slow at first, it wasn’t that bad, occasionally he fell pleasure that made him moan. But with time Sam gained faster tempo that shot pulsing pain through him and he wanted to jerk away from him several times, insteady he was holding onto the pillows, his knuckles going white, restraining himself form any signs of resist.

Sam wanted to be considerate of Higgs. But as he was getting closer to orgasm, his mind was getting cloudy, focusing only on his own pleasure, hardly registering the clenched hands of the man. It was his first time with a man that really felt good. Great even. No unpleasant feelings inside him, no random shots of anxiety, a pure passion and arousal. Quite ironic he was with the same man that also made his first time traumatizing, currently experiencing the opposite.  
As his mind was distracted he started thrusting harder, holding the man's hips. The occasional moans from Higgs’ lips only made him to want to go faster. His own were getting louder. Thrusts jerky, harder.  
He’s so close.  
Breathing fast, he half-collapsed on Higgs’ back, overwhelmed from the orgasm. His legs were trembling, waves of relief and satisfaction pulsing through him. The intensity of the feelings was enormous, he couldn’t recall the time he felt like this. His mind travelling, getting carried away on a silky smooth river of daze.  
The man underneath him was also breathing hard. The pain was really unbearable, the occasional pleasure he felt really couldn’t make up for it. Yet he was satisfied, a feeling of humiliation mixed with satisfaction of the pure animalistic sex he longed for all these months.  
All was good.  
He reached behind to touch Sam’s hand, touch his skin. 

Sam pulled out of him, leaning closer to his face to kiss him. Both of them were wet with sweat, breathing was difficult so they broke the kiss. Only now Sam noticed Higgs’ bandage is soaked in blood, making the pillow bloody.  
All the satisfaction, arousal was gone. He froze.  
Higgs felt slightly dizzy but nothing terrible really. The pain would make anyone dizzy. He felt Sam going stiff suddenly and he looked at his face, seeing the terror.  
He panicked. What’s going on?  
“Your hand.”  
Looking at his injured hand, the bloody pillow, the heavy iron scent hit his nose.  
“Well I don’t think this will pass for wine spill.”  
“Higgs.”  
“Just a bit of blood.” He gritted through his teeth. Sammy’s concern was much appreciated, really. But can they do that when they’re not trying to have some sexy time? Higgs is definitely not _that_ fragile, it’s not like he is bleeding out. Just a bit of blood really.

Sam felt guilty, sitting on the sofa. He got carried away by a first fuck in his life that felt good and didn’t bring back any flashbacks or unwanted feelings. And this just had to happen.  
Higgs wanted to roll his eyes so badly. They were having such a good time few seconds before! Why is that man being bothered by a bit of blood so badly? So it bleeds, injuries do that sometimes? Especially he didn’t want for Sam to stop and wallow in his self-pity like he cut Higgs in half or something.

“Sam, it’s alright. Let’s continue.”

Not really a sensitive way of putting it but he wasn’t good with approaching hurt people. The smell was really terrible though, wrinkling his nose. He got up, limping, unwrapping the bandage, throwing it out of window.  
Sam left the unused bandage on the table so he went for it.  
Well, how the atmosphere turned to shit so quickly.  
Wrapping the bandage around his hand, securing it he returned to Sam, slowly sitting on his side, touching, kissing the man on his cheek, a lick.  
Sam wanted to continue but he was worried, feeling guilty. He doesn’t want Higgs to bleed out just because he wants some fuck. Well. They both wanted it but that wasn’t the point.  
His fingers brushing againts Higgs’ hand, completely unfocused.  
Needy hands on him again. Pleading for attention. Higgs actually did really good job at being distracting, which was only for his own advantage.  
Sam finally kissed him, gently holding his waist. His kiss was returned with welcoming answer. 

He actually wanted to make Higgs feel good too. Hear him moan out of pleasure. But the thought of giving him blowjob or getting fucked made him feel uncomfortable inside. He didn’t really trust Higgs in this matter. Not even now when he was so willingly cooperating, even letting himself to be fucked by Sam. He would feel defenseless, feeling like the man can turn into golden beast in a second, jumping after his neck. He knew Higgs can’t do that, he was completely stripped of his powers. But the experience he got with this man didn’t allow him to feel safe in any submissive position.  
Higgs felt relieved as Sam finally did continue with their activity, hoping he won’t bother about the hand any longer.  
Another shot of dizziness, he had to hold onto Sam to stabilize himself, hoping it wasn’t too noticeable.

The hands were too gentle with him. Loving, carressing. No, he doesn’t deserve that. The hands should be tearing him, ripping him open, hurting. Demolishing the empty shell he embodied, giving him freedom at last. Higgs’ sadistic nature turned againts him attacking him instead. As he used to find pleasure in hurting others, feeding on their pain, getting aroused from it, his own pain was welcomed, it simply felt right. But he was being handled too nice.  
He wasn’t used to it anyway. A love? Tenderness? Strange concepts that exist only for the people on the other side. Not for terrorist. Not for Higgs.  
Sam layed him on his back. Where’s the revenge? Doesn’t he seek it? Doesn’t he want it?  
A shiver as the kisses moved to his chest. He didn’t come yet and he really needed to-

Sneaking his hand down to his dick to give it several strokes before the hand was chased away.  
Fine. No pleasure for him. After all he denied Sam’s pleasure too that night. It’s only fair. 

He gasped as he felt a hand on his dick. Sam was jerking him, leaning over, kissing the man.  
Higgs didn’t really expect it, letting out soft moan. This man was surprisingly skilled, knowing his way with his hands and the tongue. If Higgs were not a mere fallen God he would definitely use Sam to many other things as well.  
But he couldn’t understand why isn’t Sam humiliating him more. Why is there no blood, no cruelty? Is it really that enjoyable for him to just... treat the man as if they were lovers?

Higgs was feeling different kind of ecstasy tonight. Much different from the night when he raped Sam. And it confused him greatly. To be treated like this. With no hidden evil motive, no actual need for suffering.  
Sam was genuiely trying to make him feel good. But why? It’s not like his own pain made him feel that good but he… deserved it? It’s what he deserved and what he was used to...ever since?

He tilted his head back, letting out a moan. As much as he was confused by this new experience, it worked for him so well. The other man was jerking him faster, sucking on his adam’s apple, his other hand in Higgs’ hair, brushing it.  
Sam was actually enjoying this quite a lot. The moans were really doing it for him. He felt Higgs is about to come any second and he started pumping him faster. Fast breaths, tensed jerking body, shutted eyes.  
A dance among the black skies at last. He felt as he was on the top again. An ecstasy, soothing, glittering, rolling through him. He tried to catch his breath as he was riding off the orgasm.  
Sam was staring at his face. He thought for a second this is as vulnerable as he ever saw the man. Touching his cheek, brushing it for a moment, leaning to kiss him.  
Higgs was feeling dizzy again, soon he broke the kiss letting his head rest on one of the pillows. Well. This was one of the best things in his life. It felt strange too but, fuck, he could get used to this eventually.  
Sam sat on the sofa, elbows resting on his thigs, watching Higgs from the side.  
The taller man smiled.

“Oh shit, Sam. We should do that more often. Rutting like animals, no time for rest. Wouldn’t you regret bringing me to Capital Knot City? Fragile is shaking with excitement at the thought of torturing me, shooting a bullet through my head, that would be no fun then, no? Or would you not care and fuck my corpse anyway?”

Sam turned his head away, slightly rolling his eyes. Yeah maybe he should fuck Higgs more often the silence was much more preffered to what was coming out of this man’s mouth. A chuckle from his side. He wondered why did Higgs think Fragile wants to torture and kill him though. She wanted a revenge, yes, but she was not that kind of person who would hurt him.

Where was the wine bottle anyway? The glass shattered, obviously, but Higgs had to get the wine from somewhere. He got up, looking around.  
“Looking for something, Sammy? I’m right here if you suddenly forgot.”  
“Where’s the wine?”  
An insulted expression.  
“What? You want to get drunk? Was that fuck that bad? Should have pricked the needle in me at this point.”  
“Higgs!”  
“It’s behind that wardrobe. Right next to the stuffed African golden wolf.”

_African golden wolf. The symbolic relation with egyptian god Anubis. Anubis, the god that weights the soul of the person againts ostrich feather. Hearts that are heavier than the feather are devoured by the devourer of the dead - Ammit, making the soul forever restless. The wine bottle, conveniently placed right next to the wolf. With silent eyes, the wolf was observing the room. Knowing there will come a day, when Higgs’ heart will be put on thescales. Knowing it is already too heavy. He was watching Higgs as he was getting drunk these days, he was seeing what was going on in his mind. “You will never find rest.” Many times he told him. But Higgs could only laugh with the glass of wine in his hand. Never taking him seriously. A silent observer, waiting for the day when he declares yet another restless soul._

Sam grabbed the wine, looking at the lable. Zinfandel.  
He wondered where did Higgs get his hands on such a fancy wine. But on second thought maybe he doesn’t really need to know.  
He wasn’t really a wine drinker but after such a night he simply felt like drinking it.  
Higgs was still having that fake hurt expression when he approached the sofa. 

“Well would you just look at that! Coming into my house. Assasinating me with a needle, fucking me senseless, drinking my wine! What’s next?”  
“Higgs, you know you don’t actually live here, right?”  
“Once you start drinking there, it’s your home.”

Sam took a sip straight out of bottle.  
Higgs lying on his side was watching Sam. He couldn’t really move or sit properly now as his ass was on fire and every move hurt like hell. He would never in his life complain loudly or talk about it. No need to push himself deeper into the mud. He was already smeared enough with the filth. Plus he didn’t like the pity.

His eyes on Sam, drinking the wine, looking all sweaty. They probably should clean themselves but there was no running water in this hotel.  
“You know there is a swimming pool under the hotel. The water is still there. Don’t expect it to be crystal clean though.”  
Sam looked at him, startled. He didn’t really expect that there are ways how to get washed in this hotel. Fascinating.  
He will definitely give the swimming pool a visit after he’s done with wine. It would feel better if he wasn’t all sticky from sweat and cum. Plus he wasn’t even sure how long it will take for the party sent after him untill they find the location. As the transmitter was beyond repair he had no way how to communicate with anyone.

“How did you escape the Beach?”  
It was a question that bugged him a bit. Higgs chuckled.  
“That’s something I would like an answer for too, Sammy. I don’t really know. I only remember running away alongside the beach. And then suddenly everything went black and I woke up in our world. Took that as a chance to rebuild what I had before. But you did such a good job at connecting the world. And no matter how hard I tried, my powers simply won’t come back. If I was given a chance to return, then for what reason exactly? I’m powerless. Just.. what’s the point, Sammy?” Frustration in his voice. He didn’t mention that he also was intensively looking for him, dealing with seizures as he couldn’t succeed. His hand wasn’t actually healing properly because he would hurt it during these seizures.  
“You know what I really like about this world though? You people.. just never cease to surprise me. Especially you, Sammy.”

Sam was watching him. The man was slowly gaining clearer mind as the alcohol was losing effect.  
He took another sip on the wine. 

“I should hate you, right.” A laugh. “You took everything from me. I couldn’t believe it, it was like you simply pressed some button and..” A snap with his fingers. “Boom. Im falling down to rot among the corpses of those who fell from the throne they never thought to leave. I wonder what am I in your eyes now. Once you called me a walking bomb, I guess thanks to your doing I’m only a harmless one, that people can walk over without even noticing it.” Oh and he did, in fact, hate Sam. How couldn’t he? No matter how much he did feel passion for the man, no matter what happened between them tonight, behind all of it was a burning hate that overshadowed all of it like flame of fire.

Sam was silent for a moment. He will not dodge this. He will give Higgs a honest answer.

“You’re a man that I pity.”  
Another sip.  
A fake forced laugh. “Oohh, I don’t want your pity, Sam. Did you fuck me out of pity too? Just to be nice to ol’ Higgs, giving him the last fuck in his life before you bring him like a toy for Fragile to play with? Such a nice good man, truly. Here have yet another medal on being the goodest guy, because simply being a hero who saved the world isn’t enough for you.”  
Sam decided to not really give fuel for Higgs’ poison his chopped off tongue was trying to spit. Sam did not do such a thing he was accused of. He had sex with him out of pure lust. Attraction. And it’s really curious that Higgs is accusing him of bringing him as a toy for someone to play with. Wen Higgs himself made Sam his toy all the time when he still had his powers. Self-awareness is a rare trait in those that are mad.

The bottle was almost empty. He decided it’s time to stop as he didn’t want to get drunk on the same level Higgs was when he found him. Better to stay with sharp mind as he saw Higgs was getting clear minded and his playful harmless mode was shaking off.  
“I’m going to take a swim, you should too.” He got up, forcing the discussed topic to be ignored  
“Oh I would, Sammy.” An attempt to move from the sofa. “But as you can see I can hardly move thanks to our animalistic activity. Those few steps to the window were my limit.”  
“I can carry you, if you want.”  
A surprised blink. “Only if you don’t drop me on the way.”

Sam wanted to laugh as he was used to carry heavy deliveries. Carrying Higgs for few minutes could hardly be a problem for him, also the man was underweight.  
As he took him in his arms, carrying him through the hotel, getting navigated, Higgs got his hands wrapped around his neck, kissing his face, licking. Good thing getting used to the dark was quick because they didn’t bring the lamp. Sam got his hands full and Higgs was.. well.. busy.  
The swimming pool was pretty huge, there was even a view outside as there was a wall made of glass.  
The water looked a bit cloudy and Sam was sure he will have to take some meds probably to not catch a disease but he was willing to take the risks for a quick swim. 

“Don’t wet that hand.”  
He carried Higgs into water, the man immediately holding onto the tiled corner as it was painful to stand, trying to gain support like that.  
“What if I do? Will I be forcefed another antibiotics?”

Sam decided to not comment on that, submerging into the water, taking few rounds. Even if the water quality was pretty bad, it was quite refreshing. And much more preffered than to just walk around covered in sweat and other body fluids. The water wasn’t really cold, but it looked weird and he didn’t want to stay there any longer than necessary. He went for Higgs, with the intention of taking the man out of the water. Higgs playfully splashed water droplets with his fingers at him. Smirking as Sam made annoyed expression. Yeah or he will just leave him here and return for him in the morning.

He took him to “his” room on the first floor, setting him on his feet, helping him to maintain balance. Sam turned to the chair to take the towels placed on it. As he turned around to face Higgs, the man was standing at his bed with a simpering smile “Will you tug me in too, Sammy?” A teasing voice. Sam threw the towel at him.  
“You can do that yourself, Higgs. Goodnight.”

Instant panic.

“Wait, where are you going?” His voice was raised, clearly scared.

“There is only one bed.”

“There is only one bed.” Higgs repeated in a mocking voice. “Well you can sleep on the floor if that’s better option for you?”

“I’m taking the sofa.” It was not like he had actual problem with sharing a bed. But he knew Higgs would be clinging to him all night, making it hard to fall asleep. As romantic as sleeping in embrace sounds, it really wasn’t that comfortable for some people. Besides, his clothes and stuff was there and he didn’t want to be too far away from it and he saw no point in moving around the hotel with all of his belongings when they already were at one place.  
“You didn’t have to go to that swimming pool then. You will be covered in cum and blood from that thing.”

Sam was already leaving the room. He only turned around at the door. Higgs looked actually terrified, even in that dark he saw the terror in his face. “It’s literally next door to you. What’s the matter?”  
Higgs was feeling a raising panic in his chest. All those months he was looking for Sam, now it’s night, they’re about to go to sleep and Sam wants to sleep in another room. He can dissapear by the morning and Higgs will never know where he went. Losing him again. That thought stroke a deep fear into him as he really was madly obsessed with the man, needing his presence. The uncertainty if he wakes up in the morning and Sam is still there or not was making his heart pound really hard and he fell the blood pumping in his head.  
“So you will fuck me but not share a bed with me. You realise how ridiculous it is?”  
Sam was not getting himself to be manipulated or guilt-tripped. He was tired and he had no patience for another discussion.

“Higgs, I will be next door. Both of us will sleep better if we don’t squeeze on bed for one person.”

With these words he left, shutting the door behind.  
Higgs was staring at the door, blood pounding in his head, he tried to listen intensively if he hears the footsteps going to the opposite side of the wing. Feeling a bit of relief as Sam did in fact go to salon. What if he waits till Higgs falls asleep and then sneaks out? He must stay awake and listen.  
When Higgs was looking for Sam last 3 months he did self-harm out of frustration. The hand was not the only injury he cared little about. One time he almost got himself killed as he was holding the horns of stuffed sika deer, ready to bang his head on it. 

_Sika deer. In Japan this animal is deemed to be messenger of the gods. The deer, seeing the seizures Higgs was going through. Seeing the frustration, the madness consuming his mind. As Higgs was simply not a God anymore, the deer could only deliver messages to him from other Gods. And the man wanted to know what their message was. “Come closer,” the deer says “I will deliver the last message through your skull.”_

Sam found some silky blankets that he put over the messy sofa. This will have to do. There is no clean place in this building and this is as close as he can get one. He pulled a top on out of habit. Then puling blanket over himself he turned off the lamp.  
Hoping to fall asleep soon.  
He didn’t understand why was Higgs making such a fuss about them sleeping in separate rooms. Now he felt bad that he didn’t act very empathetically at that moment. The terrified expression on that man’s face. He couldn’t wrap his mind about it. It’s not like Sam is running away, he’s literally in the next room to him. But knowing Higgs’ damaged mental state there is no actual logic behind it.  
Closing his eyes he slowly drifted to sleep.

Noises. The door opened.  
Suddenly he got awake. Not having any idea for how long he has been sleeping but it was still dark outside. He heard limping noises. Immediately he tensed, half-opening his eyes. Higgs was the room. For a moment wave of fear washed over Sam. Maybe something snapped in the man and he is about to get murdered. He observed the figure in the dark, but Higgs wasn’t really holding anything. He looked like he is in great pain. Was something going on?  
He didn’t say a thing. The man caught at the corner of sofa, leaning over Sam, trying to lay, slowly, carefully. He heard fast breathing, occasional hisses of pain.  
As Higgs settled on the small sofa he wrapped his arm around Sam, nudging his face to his neck. Great. No sleep for him now and he felt dead tired. He wanted to ask what was going on but he noticed the man is trembling lightly all over his body, his heart pumping too fast.  
Maybe Higgs had a nightmare or something.  
But there is no way he will fall asleep again. The sofa was too crowded. He didn’t want to kick Higgs out, that would make him feel like a terrible person since the man was clearly almost at the edge of full-blown panic.  
Shutting his eyes again, annoyed, he tried to force himself to sleep. Well, at least he felt warmer. The night wasn’t that cold but the temperature wasn’t really ideal either but Higgs was keeping him warm now.  
WIth the time passing he actually caught himself almost falling asleep but was always woken seconds later. Just how could Higgs actually sleep like that? But his expectations didn’t come true and after some time he did fall asleep for real.

Waking up in the morning he felt like someone put a wooden stake through his head. The stabbing, pulsing pain. He was so tired and his body hurt from the uncomfortable position he had to sleep in during the night.  
Just as he expected. No sunlit waking up in a fluffy embrace. At least not for him. Higgs still seemed to be sleeping.  
He felt like he needs to drink something. Maybe the pain would get less intensive then. Rubbing his face with his hand in attempt to feel more awake. Time to get out of the tight embrace. He tried to unwrap Higgs’ hand from his chest. The man behind him shifted, making low murmuring noise.  
Did he wake him up?  
It would be better if not, he would appreciate the silence for a while.  
He managed to sit, instantly feeling every part of his body even more. For fuck’s sake.  
As he wanted to crawl over Higgs to get out he noticed the man is actually watching him. He had such a thrashed look with those smudges under his eyes. A faint smile on his face as their eyes met.

“G’morning.”  
“Good morning.”

Higgs stretched, frowning instantly. Guess Sam isn’t the only one who is feeling pretty sore after the cuddly night. Well someone should have stayed in that bed.  
“I see you payed me a night visit. Feeling like truck ran over me thanks to you.”  
Sam didn’t want to be bitchy but he didn’t wake up in a good mood anyway.  
“Couldn’t risk you running away.”  
Higgs murmured.

“RIght, there are so many places I could run to when we are in the middle of nowhere and it’s fucking night.”  
Sam got up from the sofa, searching for the clothes to get dressed.  
Higgs didn’t say anything. He knew that. His paranoia was holding strong grip on him, overriding all his logical thinking.  
Sam went through his bag, trying to find anything to drink. There was still some water left. He drank some, deciding to keep the rest for Higgs, as he knew the man was living only on wine for the several last days and on some filthy water.  
A long yawn. Sam wanted to return to sleep so badly but with no intruder this time.  
He sat into the chair with the leopard heads.  
Higgs tried to sit but cursed silently. Yeah that will not do. He went for standing up as quickly as possible, having to catch on the arm of the sofa as the world was spinning too fast. He too didn’t feel well rested and his hand bled a bit from squeezing it too much out of distress. He already suffered from a blood loss, not a serious, life-endangering one though.  
Sam immediately drew his attention to him.

“You alright? Show me the hand.”

Higgs remembering the fuss about his bloody hand during the sex, noticing there actually is bloody spot on it.

“Yeah.”

The dressing up wasn’t really easy, but he managed. Sam was staring at him the whole time.  
“Like watching me getting dressed, Sammy?”  
He tried to tease the man to lighten the atmosphere since they both woke up in quite a grumpy mood.

Sam didn’t say anything, instead he grabbed the disinfection bottle, getting on his legs, approaching Higgs.  
The man unwrapped the bandage, revealing the wound. He made pained expression as the disinfection stinked in it.  
“Can you hold properly.”  
Sam grabbed the hand, applying more of it.  
He was pissed, the wound couldn’t start healing properly as Higgs always did something to make it tear open again and again.

“You don’t have to waste it on me, you know it, right?”  
Slightly snappy. The man was fussing about his hand too much.  
Sam didn’t answer, wrapping new bandage on the hand. Putting the bottle and the rest of bandage into his bag.  
“Well, thanks I guess.” Higgs rubbed his eyes, trying to suppress a yawn. “I will get the pizza in the vestibul for us.”

Higgs was limping to the door. 

Sam was watching the man dissapearing in the long hall. Right, those boxes of pizza he put on the table in vestibul yesterday. He would definitely appreciate pizza right now as he was starving.  
He sat into the chair again, looking around the room.  
A feeling of some kind of distant nostalgy was falling on him just by observing the room.  
Lost in his thoughts, suddenly he heard loud noises and several voices coming from the vestibul. 

Fuck.

Getting up, running through the hallway.  
As he stopped at the right wing stairway he saw Die-Hardman’s men, all pointing guns at Higgs who had his hands up.  
They noticed Sam immediately.

“Oh Sam! Finally we found you, Die-Hardman was going crazy, we had to look for you all night till we got into this location. I will let him know you’re alright and the terrorist did not hurt you.”  
Several men circled Higgs, one of them preparing the handcuffs.

Higgs looked at Sam, catching his gaze. One of the men manhandled Higgs’ hands, making him hiss loudly in pain.  
“He’s injured, you don’t have to act like he’s gonna pull a knife on you.” Sam said.

He felt a raising panic. Of course he knew the men will come for them. But at the same time he didn’t want them to treat Higgs so harshly. The man was cooperative the whole time.  
The one in charge answered. 

“Sam, we are just doing our job. Don’t worry about it. Get your things, we must leave.”

Higgs was stiffed, silent the whole time. Sam didn’t see a single move of a muscle on his face. The man was completely pale. Eyes wide open, fixed on him at one moment, staring into nowhere in next. He knew what is awaiting him when they arrive at Capital Knot City.  
Sam went for his things, leaving with the men, it was quite a way till they got to the armed truck.  
It felt like woking right into a dream, no matter how ridiculous it sounded, that’s exactly how it felt to him.  
Him walking behind the men talking, getting into the truck, seeing as they push Higgs into the back, shutting the door behind him. The world slowed down, the voices grew distant into a mere noise to him. He couldn’t concentrate, hardly registering questions directed to him, the men quickly giving up, thinking he is probably just tired.

The way to Capital Knot City.

It all seemed like a strange dream. Like it’s not actually happening and he will wake up at any moment.

He worried for Higgs. Worried about his health, about his fate. 

When he arrived at the hotel, it was with the thought that he doesn’t really care much about the man, this was just another mission including his nemesis. But after the night. After what he saw. After what happened. Something shifted in him. He felt urgue to speak for Higgs, to defend him. But at the same time he realised how crazy his thoughts are.  
Defend Higgs? Speak up for him?  
_That’s a nice Stockholm Syndrome you got there, Sam._

Not wanting to bring too much attention to himself he rubbed his eyes, shutting them in attempt to calm down, gain control. This whole situation only made everything worse, he already felt bad when he woke up. Only now he did regret his foul mood in the morning. Those were the last moments he and Higgs spent together. And he was so grumpy with the man. What he would give now if they could enjoy the pizza together as they were supposed to.  
He felt like his head might explode.

As they arrived, he tried to take a peak where are they leading Higgs but there were too many people moving at the moment. He was told to visit Die-Hardman as soon as possible.  
He needed information what is going to happen to Higgs, as no one really told him. His mission was only to find him and bring him in.  
Die-Hardman welcomed him with genuine smile.

“Hey, Sam. Glad to see you’re alright, I see no injuries. I received a report that your transmission got cut off when you talked to Deadman. What did happen? I assumed it had to do something with Higgs, like the man suddenly attacking you or something.”

Sam, stressed, only cared about one thing at the moment. But he needed to control himself.  
“I guess the transmitter malfunctioned. Thing is old you know. Higgs didn’t do anything, he was really in no condition to do so.”  
“But I heard he wasn’t paralysed when the party entered the hotel. Did you not use the needle?”

Sam looked away.

“It simply wasn’t necessary, he was cooperative. What is going to happen to him by the way?”

“Well, we are gonna keep him in a cell for a while. The main goal was to eliminate the danger of him creating another terrorist group. We are heading towards a better world, I don’t want any mad man to mingle with our plans. My men will do interrogation with him, we will see what happens next. In the end he can have some kind of trial. Though there are some vocal people wanting the man dead. But that’s something you don’t have to bother yourself with, Sam. The mission succeeded that’s what matters. Don’t forget to go to medic centre to get examined. And if there is something else you want?”

The man looked at him with a short pause.  
Sam looked him in the eyes. How much he wanted to be honest with him.  
“Nothing, just give him antibiotics if you want to keep him alive for more than few weeks. The man got infection.”  
“Alright.” Die-Hardman was focused on his transmitter.  
“I need to get going. And don’t you forget to visit the medic centre just to be sure things are alright. See you later, Sam.”  
Things certainly weren’t alright for Sam. And no medic could make them right. No matter how much he wished such power was in their hands.  
He gestured him a goodbye, leaving for the medic centre.

Six days passed. 

Sam was back to his “ordinary” life. But it was only on the outside. He couldn’t sleep at night, often waking up terrified. The nightmares were getting worse. It was a thing that bothered him the least. He had no news about Higgs. He didn’t want to ask too much about the man to not draw suspicious talks behind his back. His mind - in endless spiral of pain and fear. The endless self-blaming monologue for feeling such things for Higgs, the endless stream of worry for him, the longing consuming his thoughts. 

Deadman was the first to notice something is really wrong with him. But Sam said nothing. He completely shut himself away from the world.  
Wanting to seek help, to get Higgs out of his head, but he knew he is completely alone in this. He had no such close people in his life to trust them with such shocking truth. There were some therapists but he didn’t think they would really understand.

He was a legend to the american nation. Could he simply tell some therapist he can’t get Higgs out of his mind and that he needs the man in his life? The rumors of Sam going mad would spread fast as wildfire. He was already betrayed too many times to simply admit the truth to anyone.  
At the same time he couldn’t really figure out what exactly he feels towards Higgs. He only knew he wants him to be safe and close to him. The uncertainty what was going on was driving him mad. Higgs was already caught up in paranoia as he had to go sleep on sofa with Sam convinced he would attempt to run away. And now they were separated. How did Higgs cope with that? Was he okay? He needed to know.  
As he couldn’t finish the dinner once again from lack of apetite he decided it’s time. He needs to visit Die-Hardman and talk to him.  
On his way he bumped into Deadman. 

“Hey. Die-Hardman wants to talk to you. It’s urgent.”

Sam didn’t ask for anything else, immediately heading for his office. That was good timing. He wondered if the urgent matter Die-Hardman wants to talk about involves Higgs. It would play in his cards not making it suspicious bringing the man as a topic.  
Entering the office, the president was sitting at his desk, reading some documents. Only as Sam entered he looked up.

“Hey, Sam. I need to talk to you.”  
Sitting right in front of him, looking at the man with anticipation.  
“It’s about Higgs. I didn’t want to bother you with that man again but...”  
Sam’s heart started beating faster. He swallowed, hoping his expression didn’t change much.  
“Yeah? What’s going on?”  
Die-Hardman leaned back in his chair, crossing fingers.

“I got reports his mental stability is getting worse. The interrogation didn’t turn out well as he refused to communicate. That wouldn’t be that unusual, but Sam, he talks to himself, not really acknowledging other people’s presence. The medic who visits him wrote in the report he didn’t react to him yesterday at all. He doesn’t eat much, medic says it may be necessary to give him parenteral nutrition if nothing changes soon.”

Sam felt a shot of horror in his chest, a despair. He gulped, forcing his racing mind to calm down and focus on what else Die-Hardman has to say.

“They’re also treating that infection in his hand. The man who was watching him on camera this night reported Higgs was pacing around the room scratching the wound open. Medics gave him some sedatives. Look, we can’t let him have trial when he’s in such state. The question is if there is a way to help him turn back to normal because he wasn’t very stable man even in his earlier years of being a porter. It made me wonder if a death wouldn’t be actually… better option for him. I wanted to bring him here because I needed to be sure the man isn’t creating another terrorist group. Even when he is potentially harmless I can’t simply let him roam in the public. We have better future ahead of us, we should focus on that, helping our people. I’m not really sure if focusing on trying to help Higgs should be our goal. After what that man did. It could also raise a wave of displeasure in the public because people don’t want us to waste resources on the man who wanted to wipe humanity away. And I can totally see their point.”

Die-Hardman leaned his elbows on the desk.

“I thought we should discuss it together as you have quite a history with Higgs. Not a pleasant one, the man is obsessed with you. I would like an insight from you on this matter. Just.. what do you think.”  
Sam was shook to his core. Giving all of his focus to not change his expression, to not let Die-Hardman know, just how much he wanted to curl up in the corner with hysterical sobbing. He wanted to rip his hair out and scream. Why is all of this happening?  
Higgs wasn’t getting better, in fact he may be even worse in several days. He won’t be able to eat, needing sedatives so he doesn’t self-harm. Die-Hardman is suggesting to kill him because why waste people on terrorist, though Sam understood his reasoning. It was just like the universe didn’t want to let him have people that were important to him in his life. His parents. Lucy and their child. Now Higgs. Tearing everything what was dear to Sam from his embrace, ripping, leaving him alone in the void. Is this his destiny? To just watch everyone die?  
He wanted to cry out of frustration. 

What must be done before he reaches a breeze of normal life?

“Sam?”

A shift back to the reality. He realised he lost a grip on himself and he was very noticeably trembling.  
Breathing hard, he attempted to calm down. This is not the time.

“Sorry. I knew it would be hard for you. If you really don’t want to discuss it, it’s fine.”  
“No, it’s alright.” Sam rubbed his eyes, keeping them closed for a moment.

“I connected the nation. Humanity can rest from the extinction for a bit longer. You know I didn’t have trust nor interest in America before. But after all those events... there is a sparkle of hope. You’re now building a new America, you want it to be a better world. Better world for _everyone_. Ask yourself what would a better world do with people like Higgs. Whatever answer you find, that is my answer.”  
A moment of silence between the two men. Sam knew it wasn’t direct response, but Die-Hardman knew what kind of person Sam was. He can definitely catch the clue and figure it out on his own.

“I see.” 

Once again a silence.

Sam couldn’t hold himself back any longer.  
“Can I see him? Maybe I could do something about his condition.” Silent voice.  
Die-Hardman looked caught off for a second. Uncertain what to make of it.  
“I didn’t expect you of all people would want to see him again. But sure. I will send one of my man with you.” 

He chose not to pry. 

There are some things that he may not really understand.

Higgs was laying on his side on the bed. Staring into empty room. His own breath was the only noise he heard. He would normally pace, start hurting himself again but there was just a big calmness in his head, not allowing such thoughts for him to analyze and execute.  
He had no idea for how long was he staying in this position.

Where is Sam?

He needs to see him. 

And he can’t even get up and go look for him. He shouldn’t have left him. If he didn’t go to vestibul to grab that pizza. He and Sam would still be together. 

Staring at the black leopard’s dried up tears, making golden trails on his face.  
There will be no need for them soon. It will be all over.

He felt no hunger. It wasn’t him being rebellious, refusing to eat. He simply didn’t feel like eating anything. And why should he fight his body on that. An acceptance.  
Sam stood in front of the glassed door, seeing Higgs on the bed. Biting his lip, tightening his hand into fist. The amount of self-control he had to maintain in front of everyone in this building. Seeing Higgs like that ripped his soul apart. The apathetic look. He looked so sick. Sam swallowed, entering the room with racing heart, a heavy burden in his chest.  
As he shut the door he stood at the place for a moment. Higgs wasn’t even looking at him. He was staring right in front of himself into nowhere.  
Shot of terror through Sam’s chest, what if Higgs isn't _able to_ recognize him anymore? He made several step towards the man.

“Higgs.”  
His voice was cracking as he simply couldn’t hold control of himself.

No reaction.

Sam licked his lip, his breath shaking, a tear forming at the corner of his eye. So did he come too late? Was Higgs lost already? If he remains unresponsive… there will be only one solution for his suffering. And no discussion will be necessary for that one.  
He blinked several times, rubbing his eyes to get rid off the tears that were forming. His whole body trembling, not being able to control it any longer. It didn’t matter.  
With sigh he looked back at the man on the bed.

Pale blue eyes set on him. Not blinking. Staring.

“Higgs?”

He took several steps closer, not really wanting to break into Higgs’ space. The regular Higgs wouldn’t mind really, but he had no idea what was going on in his mind and didn’t want to scary him in case he wouldn’t recognize him.  
A move of the hand, slow shifting of the body.  
He got up.

Frowning at Sam, just like during that night, approaching him.  
Sam noticed he is moving really slow, probably the side effect of sedatives. 

“Sammy.”

A whisper. Higgs was reaching to him for a hug.  
His mind was screaming Sam’s name but it wasn’t at the same time. He felt happy but the emotion couldn’t really control him completely, almost like hidden behind curtain.

Knowing they’re being watched through the camera, Sam was fighting a battle inside him, trying to figure out how to act towards the man. He wanted no one to know about them. He needs to prepare some explanation for his actions. Saying this is all just act so he could manipulate Higgs should be enough. But for now-

Hands being wrapped around him, pulling him into tight hug. Sam returned the hug, hiding his face in Higgs’ shoulder, not really wanting anyone to see his face in such intimate, hard moment. Trembling, his own body being squeezed he tightened the hug.  
He knew Higgs would be more lively if not under the influence of sedatives. But it was only for his own good that medics made him take them.  
Neither of them being the one to break the hug first. Sam only wished it would never end that he would stay like this forever. 

“Shouldn’t have left you up there.” Higgs murmured.

Sam knew exactly what he was reffering to. And the memory only placed growing feeling of desperation in his mind. Brushing his fingers againts the man’s back.  
Release from the hug, a hand under his jaw, pushing his head back, hungry lips devouring his neck, sending waves of arousal over his body.  
Sam had to hold onto Higgs as it simply was too much for him. His exhausted mind, working through layers of stress and pressure, trying to cope, trying to function, overwhelmed by the chaos that Sam had to go through last few days.

It was one of those rare moments when he didn’t mind Higgs doing whatever he wanted. 

Breath getting faster, shorter. Suddenly a kiss on his lips.  
Deepening the kiss he grabbed Higgs’ face, his fingers brushing againts the scruff. Feeling it as it scratched againts them.

The tangible sexual attraction in the air. How ironic for men that were enemies for so long. For Higgs it was only a funny game at first. Pull the strings here and there, make the marionette dance to his set tempo. Make it suffer a bit. The fear in its eyes is so addicting. A marionette, a mouse.  
But to his horror he grew attached. He never felt a love towards any other human being. He wasn’t even capable of feeling healthy love. And he certainly did not feel it now. But this was an addiction. It was like a drug. He couldn’t stay long without his source of entertainment. And he started craving it in new ways. It made his head hurt sometimes, thinking he is truly descending into madness. But the desire was stronger than his doubtful thoughts and so he did not fight it any longer. In the end, accepting, he can’t live a life without his little toy, though he still did hate it in his own twisted way. 

Sam did care little about Higgs from the start. Just a man that made his missions harder, thinking this is all just a game. There was some kind of spark to him though. And Sam occasionally caught himself thinking about the man. He started truly hating him after that night as he tortured Sam, raped him, modified his body. That made only his later realised attraction to him worse. The guilt after he jerked off thinking about Higgs taking his body once again, as he sobbed later, hating himself for being such a sick freak. Sam was deeply ashamed of himself and what he felt towards Higgs, even though his feelings were sincere. And he would rather die than to admit to anyone what is going on in his mind when he wants to have a good quick orgasm. He tried thinking of other men, women. But it was forced and he never achieved such fast, satisfying results with them as he did with Higgs in mind. Later an understanding and a pity came to play. He got to see through the man better, knew some of his history. And only these days he has to deal with the fact the he cares about him as deeply as he cared about his lost wife.

A realisation that was not easy to accept.

But nothing of this mattered in moment like this. When the only thing between them was longing, when they could only hold, feel, kiss each other, starving men that were seeking to satisfy their hunger. And they could only do so together.

As they broke the kiss, trying to catch their breath, Sam moved away from Higgs. He wanted this so badly, not wanting it to end. But he can’t stand here for much longer.  
“Higgs… I need you to cooperate with the medics.”  
The man frowned at him.

“Came here just to tell me this? Fuckers gave me sedatives, I’ve been staring at the wall for hours.”  
“Listen, just..” A sigh.  
How should he handle this?

“Sam, there’s no place for me any longer. You’re not here, it's making me want to rip myself open. If you only heard the voices. I’m just caged animal that everyone wants dead but no one will actually ease it for me. Should’ve just pricked the needle in me, Sammy. It would have been be much more better than dying like this.”

A silence between them.

Sam stared at him, words hurting him like never before. Panicking, he wanted to say something fast, but nothing came to his mind. What Higgs said shook him deeply. The man already accepted his death.

“It won’t end like that, Higgs.”  
“I'm pretty sure it will.”

What did he think would happen when he came here? Higgs thanking him for being his saviour? Nodding obediently, promissing to cooperate?

 _Don’t._ He only mouthed the words as he couldn’t speak anymore, instantly shutting his eyes to not let tears out. How is he supposed to fight for him when the man already gave up.

A reconciled smile, hands around him again, hugging him. A face nuzzling his cheek. He brushed his fingers againts Higgs’ arms letting himself be caressed.

Knocking on the door. It was his time to leave.

He broke the hug, stepping away from the man. If Higgs wasn’t under sedatives he wouldn’t really let Sam leave that easily. So calmly. Just a gaze following him out. Before he was gone. All the madness, the screams to not let Sam go were locked away in his mind. No golden tears on his face. 

_Nothing._

Sam following the guard outside. Thoughts flying through his head. He can’t give up, can’t leave it like this. The universe will not take yet another dear person from him. 

As a porter, he united America once again. He saved a whole nation.

And now he must try to save a _single_ man.


End file.
